Pimp-in-Chief: A History of Infidelity in the White House

What is in the water in Washington D.C.?

It seems like Presidents and Presidential candidates have a problem with, well, keeping their pants on.

Why this new wave of presidential promiscuity? What happened to the good old days when some grandfatherly type took the presidency and pardoned a few turkeys, passed a couple of budgets, and dropped the occasional A-bomb? Since when did loving your constituents come to mean actually “loving” your constituents?

News flash for you rosy liberal types…We have had “pimps” in chief for as long as the country has been around.

What if a Presidential candidate today admitted to owning slaves and fathering children with said slaves? Would you vote for him? No? Well, America, you did.

Thomas Jefferson, our nation’s first Libertarian president, main author of the Declaration of Independence, and greatest ginger of all time (closely followed by Shaun White) is known for fathering children with a house slave named Sally Hemings.

Forget the almost lost century of the boring Presidents and jump to the Presidential race of ’84…1884 that is.

You remember? The moral days of bow ties and mutton chops?

Not hardly.

James G. Blaine (the continental liar from the state of Maine? Yeah, that guy) famously slammed Grover Cleveland for hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing with a certain lady named Maria Crofts Halpin. Cleveland admitted to the affair, but was unsure if he was the father of the child Halpin bore, but ended up assuming the responsibility.

The Republicans chanted “Ma? Ma? Where’s my Pa?” poking fun at Cleveland’s mess, yet after the votes came in, it was the Democrats with the last laugh and they answered the Republican chant with “Gone to the White House! Ha Ha Ha!”

Making Grover Cleveland the first “Baby-daddy in chief.”

Beyond that, the king of big government, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, was a ladies man, as was his closeted lesbian wife. Rumor has it, FDR was with his mistress when he passed away, and his body was sent by train to meet up with his wife, who was with her mistress at the time, so they could return to the capitol together. That’s messed up.

Fast forward to today’s day and time, between Bill Clinton’s Oval Office antics, John Edwards’ cutting back on the $400 haircuts to pay child support for his love-child, and Herman Cain allegedly delivering more than just pizza, the American people have started choosing between the “lesser of two trollops.”

So when you hear the media drone on and on about the increasing immorality in the presidential races of today, be sure to write them and tell them, that these generations only learned from the kinky ways of the past.

Johnny Cash said it best, “Love is a burning thing.”

Hefner 2012.

###

Don’t believe what I just said?

I invite you to check the holy arbiter of truth…Wikipedia.

For more on Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sally_Hemings

For more on Grover Cleveland and Maria Halpin:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grover_Cleveland

For more on Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt(but mostly Eleanor):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt#Later_private_life

For everything else, turn on FOX News occasionally, will ya?

If that wasnt enough proof for you and you still want to debate the matter, I’ll assume you’re a progressive who is blind to historical fact. Thanks for viewing TheCollegeConservative but I think you were actually looking for MoveOn.org.

For directions to MoveOn.org:

Type “How to not use logic” into Google…which, as you already know, was invented by Al Gore.

Tanner Salyers // Shawnee State University // @Tanner_Salyers

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Comments

  1. Scumbag writer:

    > “I’ll assume you’re a progressive who is blind to historical fact.”

    > Quotes wikipedia. Recommends Fox News.

  2. David,
    Great comment except like every other Liberal “scumbag” you have failed to even attempt to debate the issue. So, I guess it is up to me to give you the same advice I give you friends who show up here and prove their ignorance as well. Go read a book and educate yourself and then come back. Until then you simply are wasting the time of educated people. Unfortunately in this battle of wits you have arrived unarmed my friend.

  3. Food for thought: Would the public react differently to allegations of female infidelity – that a female office-holder had engaged in an affair?

    I don’t have any recollection of this ever happening on a national level.

  4. Mark Mayberry, good point- are you enjoying Mein Kampf as much as I did?

    Funny article, but seriously – “not hardly” ? Please, please, PLEASE, learn to write.

    Gwen – interesting point. I think that female infidelity would elicit a much different reaction.

    Generally, looking into the private lives of politicians is tricky. Often it seems irrelevant, but it is hard to ignore some things. For example, do I care that a candidate cheats on his wife? Not really. But if the wife is upset, and they didn’t agree to be swingers, I do feel bad for her.

  5. @George W- I am assuming you are mocking me and try to assert that somehow I am a Nazi sympathizer because I may or may not have read Mein Kampf. This is an interesting tactic and to some I am sure it works just fine. However, me being the intelligent individual that I am, you are going to have to try a little harder. I have read the book and apparently I am in good company there. I am sure I am stretching the limits of you intelligence here but try and keep up. Winston Churchill actually read Mein Kampf as well. In the first volume of his six volume publication on the second world war he refers to it as, “…the new Koran of faith and war: turgid, verbose, shapeless, but pregnant with its message.” (The Sec­ond World War, vol. 1, The Gath­er­ing Storm (Lon­don: Cas­sell, 1948), 43.) Obviously what you don’t understand is that to ignore history is to repeat it. So yes I have read it but it in no way is a bad thing. To act like someone is a Nazi for reading Mein Kampf is no different than to pretend someone is a Christian for reading the Bible. But anyway this is a completely different topic all together. Nice try George and please feel free to come and play again.

    -Mark Mayberry

  6. Ah, shucks guess I just aint the rhetorician you are. People are always knockin on my speaking ability!

    Thanks for the simplistic explanation of what it means to read and enjoy books though. Keep cranking out those trite soundbites like “to ignore history is to repeat it” ! I hear tell that the more you say them, the truer they become!

    -W

  7. W- It would be a trite soundbite if it weren’t true. Oh and if you are looking for ways to brush up on the speaking ability drop Obama an email. He is world class at dressing up ridiculous comments like yours and making them sound great.

    Mark Mayberry

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